2011 has been a total bitch.

or rather, my actions have made 2o11 become a total bitch

i dont know where to rant and im sorry for doing it here BUT I DONT CARE ANYMORE. you can stop reading if you dont give a f, i really dont care right now.

first was my effing b3 i feel so disgusted by my grade. its not just about the grade, its like about trying and putting in effort and then getting absolute crap thrown in your face for putting in effort and giving your all. It makes me doubt whether theres such thing as justice in this world, is there even a heaven who will decide everything? I was so pissed off back then and until now I still resent myself for it, i resent my teacher, i just hate the whole situation. I cant do anything right, i cant even get a effing a1 and make my parents proud. What the HELL is wrong with me?!?!?!!?

then its bio, like what can i say, study also like equal to never study lor. pass by like a few marks only -_- what can i say, life and its usual shit.

last fri was the hell-iest day of my life that i totally brawled my eyes out and cry and cry like i think got one litre already -.-

its like i went through a really rough week and its like on friday my sis was transiting and like i wanted to just see her just to be hugged by your sister for a few minutes, just to be in her presence. I was annoyed, sick, tired, sad, angry that i had to be in school. It was a sickening feeling.

she went out for awhile and before leaving for airport she went home for awhile, and my mom sms-ed me telling me shes home so i can call home and talk to her for awhile so i went to the toilet and called home and then something epic happened.

i had mental breakdown in the toilet -_-

my sis picked up and shes like HELLO!!!!!!

so i was like "oh my god you're home.."

then she asked like hows things, hows school.

i cried leh i effing cried in the school toilet wts i hate crying in school its just lame.

so i was like sobbing and i said something like "bad, everything sucks."

so instead of talking properly to my sis she had to like console me over the phone and assure me that everything is okay.

i was so upset i didnt get to see my sis and bro in law seriously. it was killing me and the emotions just took over me i totally couldnt stop even my "have fun in japan" was said inbetween sobs and gulps for air.

im so weak its pathetic, i think im pathetic.

go i got back to class trying to not look like ive cried but then i think about not seeing them and i like start tearing in class itself haiz fail la.

i got home, lyssa and jean were there waiting to go for lunch and stuff with me

i go in my room

i see the stuff my sis bought for me laid on my bed

i see a note she wrote for me

and a 50 dollar note on top

and i lost it.

and thats how i cracked.

i was never truly happy ever since.

so upset about everything, seriously.

im 15, tired of school, tired of everything.

so tired and upset that i dont know what to do

i drown my sorrrows in music and movies.

so now, how?